That Branson Muppet

Posted by Nogger - a legend in his own mind at 16:02 | Categorized as

27/06/11 -- Yes folks, he's at it again, letting me down and getting my back up with aplomb. Richard Bloody Branson and his poxy wanky tosspot piss poor broadband my arse. Bollocksband that's what you are delivering my son, pure bollocksband. Thanks for making me spend my entire afternoon on the blower to Mumbai. Thanks for not coming even close to sorting my problem out. "I can tell you sir that your modem is working perfectly." Well why can't I connect to the internet then?

"Let me just try something for you, sir. Let's just delete all your browsing history, cookies etc, just to make it nice and difficult for you when we do finally get our arses into gear and send a slug out with your new modem, that I'm sure you don't need. Click this this and this, and then hit delete. That'll be fine sir you worry too much, there's nothing wrong with your Virgin Media modem I can assure you of that. It's probably your crappy Belkin router that's to blame."

"Well I'm sorry sir things seem to be malfunctioning a bit. Have you tried switching the modem off and one again. Really, fifteen times, well lets just try that one more time shall we just in case....there has that fixed it. No, well sorry for this sir, I'm fair flummoxed I am, anyway how are you today, Andy Murray is nice man, yes, no?"

"Well bugger me rigid sir, it would seem that it isn't your Belkin router after all it's us that's to blame and no mistake. We're going to have to send a technician out to have a look at what is causing the problem."

Surprise, surprise, they are inundated with technical call outs and malfunctions it would seem (either that or they only have one technician to cover the whole of Europe), as they can't get anyone out to see me for a week. Yes a chuffin, ball-breaking, bollock sapping, buggering week.

"Is there anything else I can help you with...?" Erm, well no actually, as that kind of implies that you've "helped" me with this problem doesn't it?

You could start by giving me Branson's address, I think that the dog may have an urgent parcel for him...and it's probably going to get there quicker than my bloody modem gets here. Tell the girl that opens the post to take some rubber gloves in with her for the rest of the week....Chummy, here boy, here's some of that nice Chicken Vindaloo that you like and a couple of onion bhaji's from your Uncle Richard.

It could be another quiet week on the blog if this persists.