Swine Flu: If My Auntie Had Balls She's Be My Uncle

Experts are unanimously agreed that gold bars can't catch swine flu. Gold therefore is just about the only commodity that is up this morning.

Just about everything else can catch it, or be affected by it, it would seem. Grains are down because pigs eat them. Crude is down because flights to Mexico are getting cancelled. Frozen concentrated orange juice is down because if we don't go on holiday then we won't drink any, apparently.

I feel sorry for the manufacturers of those little tins of boiled sweets covered in icing sugar, nobody buys those unless they are going on holiday do they?

Presumably the reason that GlaxoSmithKline shares are up this morning is in case they manage to cash in by inventing a cure for it whilst it's still hot news?

If everyone in China stops eating pork where will we be then, eh? Just imagine that, that's what 1.3 billion people, lets say they eat half a pig per year, we don't really know, we don't really care. That's 650 million pigs, how much do they eat? Loads according to www.chinesepigseatloads.com. Suppose that we have to kill every single pig in the entire world because 103 Mexicans have died, and a few students have a bit of an upset tummy?

Sell soybeans, crude oil, Suduko magazines, Ray Bans, Piz Buin, fake Rolexes and Fat Face flip flops. Buy gold and Linda McCartney vegetarian nut cutlets.

And if my auntie had balls she'd be my uncle.